Red Flags vs Green Flags in Young Relationships

For teens in relationships and parents who want to help—let’s talk about what’s healthy and what’s not.

Chweng thought she knew what love looked like. When her boyfriend got mad, he’d block her on social media without saying why. This happened again and again. They’d fight, he’d block her, then apologize and send gifts. She lost count of how many times.

“He barely tried to fix things—just chatted me, never even visited me. And he has a car, so he could’ve come,” Chweng said.

Yvonne’s story was different but kinda the same. Her first boyfriend wasn’t always honest. Her friends warned her, but she thought she could change him. When he got jealous about other guys, she actually thought it was sweet.

“When he gets jealous of other guys, I romanticize it. It makes me happy because it means he loves me,” Yvonne shared.

But jealousy isn’t love—it’s control. And yeah, he cheated. Multiple times. Each time, he’d buy her stuff and be extra sweet. And each time, she took him back.

These are real stories from a 2024 Philippine study about Filipino young adults who got out of toxic relationships. The lesson? Red flags are everywhere, but we’ve been taught to ignore them.

Why Red Flags Are Hard to Spot

Here’s the thing: Filipino culture sometimes teaches us to put up with bad treatment. We grow up hearing stuff like:

“Kung mahal mo, tiisin mo” (If you love them, just endure it)
“Selos lang ‘yan, ibig sabihin mahal ka” (That’s just jealousy, it means they love you)
“Ganiyan talaga ang lalaki/babae” (That’s just how guys/girls are)

Even University of the Philippines Open University (UPOU) now offers a free online course titled “Identifying Red Flags,” because students kept missing the warning signs. The problem is we see the red flags but tell ourselves they’re normal—or even romantic.

The 5 Big Red Flags to Watch Out For

1. Emotional Distance

Your partner shuts down emotionally or gives you the silent treatment as punishment. Chweng’s boyfriend would randomly block her without explaining why. That’s called stonewalling, and it’s super toxic.

Looks like: Getting blocked during fights, refusing to talk about problems, being there but feeling checked out, passive-aggressive comments

2. Lying and Hiding Things

They keep secrets, hide information, or straight-up lie to you. Yvonne caught her boyfriend flirting with other girls online while he was telling her she’s “the one.” Most girls in the study dealt with cheating—and stayed anyway.

Looks like: Cheating, lying about where they are, being shady with their phone, making excuses when caught

3. You’re Doing All the Work

You’re the only one trying to make things work. You manage your feelings AND theirs. One guy in the study said his girlfriend was so clingy at first, he thought it was cute. But then: “I felt trapped because she relied on me for everything.”

Looks like: You always start the serious talks, you deal with their moods while yours don’t matter, you apologize for everything, you feel like you’re walking on eggshells

4. Toxic Behavior Patterns

Things that actively hurt you. Chweng’s boyfriend had a cycle: fight, yell, block her, send gifts, say sorry, repeat. “I lost count of how many times.”

Looks like: Fighting all the time without solving anything, walking away from problems, name-calling, crazy jealousy, stalking your socials, being irresponsible with money

5. Mind Games

This is the sneakiest one—they mess with your head until you doubt yourself. This includes being super possessive (cutting you off from friends), controlling (telling you what to wear), gaslighting (making you think you’re the problem), and love bombing (being extra sweet after being mean).

Why Do People Stay in Bad Relationships?

We romanticize toxic stuff. Remember how Yvonne liked that her boyfriend was jealous? Movies and telenovelas teach us that jealousy = love and suffering = real commitment. That’s cap.

We copy their bad behavior. Some people in the study started acting toxic too, as payback. Then it becomes this cycle where both people are hurting each other.

We make excuses. “I knew he was lying, but I told myself he was just scared to tell me the truth.” Another person said: “He kept cheating because he knew I wouldn’t leave.”

Cultural pressure. Family expectations, religious stuff about sticking it out, fear of what people will say, everyone telling you “all relationships have problems.”

What This Does to Your Mental Health

The people in the study didn’t just get heartbroken. They dealt with:

Stress and anxiety
Trauma
Depression
Thoughts of suicide
Low self-esteem
Not knowing who they are anymore

17.5% of Filipino women ages 15-49 have experienced violence from their partners. In 2022, police reported 7,424 cases of violence against women.

Green Flags: What Healthy Love Actually Looks Like

After leaving toxic relationships, everyone in the study found better partners. Here’s what they looked for:

Warmth: Someone who’s consistently kind, gentle, understanding, supportive, and loyal. “I want someone who doesn’t yell, who handles problems privately instead of embarrassing me,” one person said.

Maturity: Someone responsible with money, ambitious, hardworking, who can actually adult. “I need someone who can handle chores and budget properly.”

Attraction: Yeah, it matters. But notice it’s third on the list. Looks alone won’t keep a relationship healthy.

The Green Flag Checklist (from MentalHealthPH)

Respect: They’re kind and honest with you
Trust: You feel safe and know they’ve got your back
Communication: They’re real with you even when it’s hard
Honesty: They tell you the truth when it matters
Empathy: They actually try to understand your side
Give and take: They show up for you like you show up for them
Handles conflict well: You can disagree without it turning into a war

What Changed for Them

In their new relationships, they feel: peace, actual happiness, support, confidence, personal growth, self-love.

Compare that to their old relationships: anxiety, constant fighting, exhaustion.

Their new relationships have: trust, respect, good communication, understanding, compassion, compromise, patience, commitment.

For Teens: What You Need to Know

Trust yourself. If it feels wrong, it probably is.
Red flags get worse, not better. Don’t wait for rock bottom.
Love should make you feel bigger, not smaller. If you’re less confident in a relationship, something’s off.
You can’t fix anyone. People change when they want to, not because you love them hard enough.
Talk to someone. Don’t keep it all inside. Friends, family, a counselor—someone.
Save receipts. If someone’s gaslighting you, screenshot stuff. Keep notes.
You don’t need a perfect reason to break up. Feeling unhappy or unsafe is reason enough.

For Parents: How You Can Help

Talk about healthy relationships before your kid starts dating
Share your own experiences—open conversations, not lectures
Don’t interrogate—ask “How do they make you feel?”
Teach consent and boundaries (not just about sex—about everything)
Show them what healthy looks like—they’re watching you
Believe them when they say something’s wrong
Know when to step in if you see abuse

When to Walk Away Immediately

Some things are never okay: physical violence, sexual pressure, threats, cutting you off from family/friends, extreme jealousy and control, constant cheating, gaslighting, controlling your money.

Those aren’t “relationship problems.” That’s abuse.

Takeaway

Here’s what the study found: people who went through toxic relationships learned exactly what they won’t put up with anymore.

But here’s the sad part, they all had to get hurt first to learn these lessons. That’s why this article exists, so you don’t have to.

If you’re seeing red flags right now, remember what Chweng said: “I’m fed up and I’ve reached my limit.” Setting limits isn’t giving up. It’s self-respect.

All ten people in the study found better relationships. They rebuilt their confidence. They learned to love themselves. Now their relationships are healthy, happy, and peaceful.

You deserve someone who’s kind, mature, and genuine. You deserve someone who makes you feel more like yourself, not less. You deserve green flags.

Jelly Ed is committed to open conversations about relationships, boundaries, and growing up.

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